by: Lanedra Clopton
At any point of the day, I can look into a mirror at myself and honestly say, I am not living. I am only existing.
For so long, I convinced myself that if I were in a relationship and made the other person happy, it would be reciprocated. One divorce and one hellacious five-year relationship later, that was not the case. Instead of expressing my innermost feelings (one I did not respect and the other I was just a fool for), I told myself that it would be okay because they had to learn how to love and once, they did, they would acknowledge my love and give it back. Nope, never happened. I put up with nonsense because I wanted to be in a relationship. I feared being alone and unloved.
Almost two decades later, I am so sick and tired of myself and the choices I make to steer myself to an acceptable path. Who told me to be successful, happy, and prosperous I had to be in a relationship? I guess somewhere along the way, I convinced myself of that mess. Just another way of masking the fear of being alone. Telling myself, “I can’t do this alone” or “I need someone by my side.” I fear trying anything new because of the failure that could happen. If I have someone with me, I will not have to face it alone. But the reality is that I was. There was not a communication aspect that pulled us closer or an undeniable love that kept us together. I just floated through time, accepting what was, and denying anything that resembled fear. I told myself that if I did not acknowledge the wrong things, they would go away. Not one of my brightest moments in life thus far.
I have a pain inside of me from the choices I have made. I have given away my most precious commodity; TIME. I can never get that back, and that pisses me off. I am here trying to put my brokenness back together. It must stop somewhere. I can not keep doing this. I must be honest with myself:
I am sick and tired of giving my all to people who do not deserve one second of my time. If I can not love myself, how can I expect someone else to love me? I am filled with fear and rage, and it is eating me from the inside out. I do not want to just exist; I WANT TO LIVE UNAPOLOGETICALLY ALIVE IN MY PURPOSE!
I refuse to live another day shielding myself from the possibility of pain, failure, and fear. I know the three of them well. We have vacationed together! It may not seem much to you, but we all must begin somewhere and for me, this is my beginning.
Only when I accept my truth, then and only then will I manifest my power within.